An unfortunate habit some couples have come to rely on it what I like to call the ‘romance exchange’, which isn’t true romance. What this refers to is when a couple has an argument, disagreement, or conflict of any kind, one will often present the other with a gift or token as a sort of apology. While this has the appearance of being ‘romance’, it really isn’t when you are using your gesture as an exchange for forgiveness. It is also absolutely not romantic or just plain right to become ‘romantic’ in order to bargain for favors you want. For example, bringing home flowers and takeout should not lead you to expect sex that night. Bringing home flowers and dinner should be a gesture of love and because you want to show your appreciation for your spouse. Expecting something in return is asking for a payoff for your actions.
In addition to the ‘romance exchange’, there are a number of things that simply don’t qualify as romantic gestures. These situations and gifts could easily be referred to as the ‘never exchange’ list! Fist of all; never let anything distract you when you are having a conversation with your spouse. Ignore the call waiting (let the voicemail pick it up), turn off the TV (don’t just mute it) or order the kids to leave you alone in your bedroom while you talk. It doesn’t even have to be a serious or important discussion. Every couple needs to have their own time to communicate in order to make each other feel respected and understood.
When living with a spouse, there are a number of things that we can do that can hurt the other person without even realizing the pain we have caused. Never use the old, “yes, dear” phrase in order to pacify him or her. Let her have her PMS time during the month without having to deal with jokes or anger about the condition. It is a real medical condition and PMS is the worst time to even think about talking about it! Never, ever withhold sex in order to get what you want or to punish your spouse. Both husbands and wives have been known to participate in this practice and it is incredibly harmful to the trust and respect in any relationship.
Other ‘nevers’ to be kept in mind include never do home improvement projects where tension is bound to be a factor (like wallpapering), don’t ever do anything that will embarrass the other person in public, never showing a lack of respect for your partner and always keep each others secrets. Respect is a huge part of any relationship and should always be honored in every way. Never take the liberty of throwing something away that belongs to your spouse. Make sure you ask first and respect their response. Never give your spouse a gift that most would consider ‘practical’ unless you are absolutely sure it will knock his or her socks off (some guys just can’t get enough power tools).
The obvious ‘nevers’ in any relationship include never forgetting birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine’s Day. Always remember to say “I love you” before moving on to more pressing matters like what’s for dinner. Finally, never stop communicating but when the other person is repeating the same stuff and there is a void note that the relationship it is done. Time to move on! it’s about compromises and your goals.
In a relationship, you are a team against the world. with team goals. When you have your partner you have made a commitment to that partner. Parents and friends should respect that and the commitment that each brings to the table. It helps to write your team’s goals out so that they are known and understood and manifested. People change but like in the restaurant industry change is what is constant in the world, monthly coffee meeting with your partner is a suggestion to keep the team on track.
Relationships are hard, and influenced by social norms, age differences, politics work and families all affect the relationship. but once the team against the world is broken. Repair is not possible and you have to move on. It is the hardest thing to do and healing can take a while. Rember communication and give/take.
All the best
Chef Murph
